For weeks I have been planning on going through my closet. I had boxes and hangers full of clothes that were all from my pre-pregnancy days. It was such a horrible feeling opening my closet everyday and seeing clothes that I love and am still nowhere fitting back into. It was a daily reminder of the changes that have taken place with my body and the weight I've gained.
On Monday I finally decide to go through the endless piles of clothes. I was doing really well until I opened my skirt drawer. I immediately started to cry and it quickly turned into an emotional breakdown. After a few minutes I went into the living and sobbed in Alex's arms. The past 2 months I had been doing so well with loving my body and not having negative thoughts towards myself. But for some reason going through the clothes complete did me in.
I felt so materialistic, shallow and vain. I told Alex that I knew I had a pretty face, and how awful I felt for thinking that. But for some reason I felt like my face and my body don't match. I think that when people look at Alex and I they think to themselves: "Poor guy. How did such a good looking, fit guy end up with a whale?!" I have never felt uncomfortable around Alex and I am so grateful for that. I know that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, and in his eyes I'm more beautiful now than I was when we first met (even though I am 50 pounds heavier). The thing that has been hard for me is that I don't like how I feel about myself. I hate feeling this way.
After spilling all these thoughts and more on Alex he quietly said: "If these clothes are bothering you so much, don't even look at them, just put them in a bag and get rid of them." It was such a relief to hear those words. I originally planned on keeping quite a bit as a "just in case I loose the weight" kind of thing. I didn't want to have to spend money on a new wardrobe if I ended up going back to my previous size. He continued by saying that if I did loose weight we can get me new things, that I shouldn't hang on to things that are making me miserable just to save money.